I had my final hand in of the term last Friday; my Christmas holidays have begun, yet I find myself fluctuating between feeling extremely excited for my favourite time of the year and a bit miserable for reasons I can’t actually find an answer to.
I’m really happy with how my first term of second year went at uni. I am slightly worried that despite feeling as if I worked really hard and being pleased with my work that I still won’t have done enough. I know I have lots of room to improve and I also know that I have come really far already so whatever the outcome I should be pleased and be grateful that I can learn from it. I can’t help feeling a little frustrated with myself though as I do feel as if I ran out of steam a bit with my last project simply due to being exhausted from the rest of the term. I’m now half way through my degree which is scary but exciting all the same.
Since being on holiday I managed to see a few of my friends from school for a day, but have been staying in the place my parents have moved to since. By the end of the summer here I felt incredible lonely and found myself in a routine with not much in it which lead to boredom, fatigue and an overall dull, numb, cloudy sensation which felt almost as if it was living in my brain. I began to feel this way again almost as soon as I returned here. At first it was nice to rest but now I’m feeling a lack of purpose here. All my worries and anxieties seem to surface to the forefront of my thoughts here and I can’t help but feel as if I am in a void of not belonging, loneliness and the simple feeling of being lost.
It’s not the I haven’t been happy to be back with my parents but even that hasn’t felt the same. I feel as if I am a constant nuisance; they have noticed my mood is different from the usual lively bubbly one that I normally come with, however they’re not asking why it’s changed or where it’s gone. This makes me sad as I know they just think I’m being grumpy, and to be honest even if they did ask I wouldn’t be able to give them an answer.
I’m hoping this will stop, that it’s happening due to hormones that will pass, or because I’m still adjusting to an unfamiliar place, but deep down I feel as if this is a new me that is emerging from within. One that is more insecure, that finds it hard to push down the negativity and instead allows it to show on the surface. One that will push their friends away due to ridiculous jealousies, or who will pull away from their parents when they offer me their hand.
I don’t know what’s happening. I think I need to sort my thoughts, my ambitions and my personality or else this could get worse.
Here’s to hoping the new year is brighter than the end of this one.
best wishes from a tiny girl xx
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